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Sure, sure, this is only an interplanetary incursion, not intergalactic warfare but that’s pretty much what everyone said when Germany invaded Poland — well, except some cigar-smoking curmudgeon — and look how that turned out! Clearly, the Earth is already ramping up the war effort by beginning the xenophobic propaganda machine. The recent release of the Total Recall remake removed the Mars setting in place of a bleak, dystopian Earth. Undoubtedly, we’ll start to see terrifying caricatures of ‘Martians’ which will make the alien menagerie in Green Lantern look like Teletubbies. Will the xenomorphs look like man-eating soul-suckers (cf. Courtney Love) or antiseptic, lifeless mandroids (cf. Mitt Romney). Who knows? And, there’s no telling when the Minbari or the Vulcans will show up.
And this will all be before the dark times; before The Empire.
For now, though, we have sent a car-sized automated rover (read as: probe droid) to the surface of a planet approximately 560,000,000 kilometers away. We (read as: NASA, i.e. USA) did so in 9 months and at a cost of 2.6 billion dollars (which is still less than half the annual sales of potato chips in the United States). So, while the potato chip eaters complain about the frivolous expenditure of space exploration, Twitter users (Oreo-eating, Chick-fil-A haters, mostly) (and Adam Baldwin) caused the Twitterverse to explode. Sure, the rover is cutely-named “Curiosity” but precisely who is the cat here?
You see, NASA, puppets of the thought-twisting CIA that they are, employed all the newfangled tech trends in society, including Twitter and Facebook in this white-op black-op. Reports came in that people watching the event live in Times Square start chanting “Science! Science!” at one point. Look at how they’ve warped minds into thinking that education, exploration, and science itself are somehow worthy of Bieberesque adulation. They’ve been shrewd to hide all the truths of this military not-secret project in plain sight. Just look at their Twitter profile picture. It might as well be subtitled: I CAN HAZ LAZERZ (which has probably already been done on Tumblr by now). Once they encounter the first Martian (J’onn J’onzz, Marvin, or the three-breasted woman; who can say?), violence will most assuredly ensue and the war will begin. We all know President Obama was up all night on a post-Mars landing bender, belting out Team America’s theme song. Sure, that’s conjecture but it still meets the publishing standard for modern news industry and, as a blogger, I’m part of that, right?
When the other galaxies get solar wind of our expansionist policies (and advancements in the human gene pool like the impossibly fast Usain Bolt), they will be forced to respond. Sooner or later, movies like Battle: Los Angeles or District 9 won’t seem so far-fetched. We’ll be left to rely on heroes such as the unlikely team of Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith, or some farmboy who will grow up to be The Joker. Think about it. With the way climate change is going, we won’t need two suns to be like Tatooine. Only, in our version, Mel Gibson will be driving around the desert like a madman and calling people names. Okay, maybe things won’t get that crazy.
Well, I suppose I might as well get swept up in the euphoria. It is most assuredly the only good which will ever come of this. Need I remind you that science gave us the atom bomb, botox treatment, and Doritos (although, I don’t mind the last one so much, truth be told). So, here are a bunch of science geeks celebrating their ‘accomplishment’ as if it was as important to humanity as, say, the Superbowl.
For more information on the Mars attack, check NASA’s MSL war room. Now, I need to start looking for a wookiee friend and a fast hunk-of-junk spaceship. If anyone knows of a single, long-lost royal sister of a farmboy, please let me know in the comments below. Bonus points if she looks good in a metal bikini.
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Angelo Barovier is Eclectickle‘s senior space exploration analyst. He spent several years in NASA’s remote youth program (which involved repeatedly watching the movie Spacecamp) and has seen every NASA ‘documentary film’ starring Jodi Foster, Ed Harris, or Tom Hanks. His vast scientific expertise includes finding conclusive evidence that, when exposed to open flame, the mist ejected from perfume bottles will, in point of fact, ignite and that continual exposure to this phenomenon will cause G.I. Joe figurines to carbonize. He published his findings in a 1989 report entitled: “I’m Sorry, Mom.”
And, yes, they are figurines not dolls, you Philistines.