As the streets burn in England, reports have surfaced which paint the ugly truth behind the violence. Our sources have uncovered the real impetus for the civil disturbance and it is shocking. Just shocking.
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The looting and vandalism and accented vulgarity continues to plague the cities and towns of England in what observers call an abject embarrassment to their country even worse than Ricky Gervais’ teeth. While it is true that an unfortunate police incident sparked the initial activity, the truth behind the ongoing events has been revealed.
“Social justice and freedom from systemic oppression are all bloody great to rail against, guv’nah,” said Alvin Tollywinkle of London, “but that sort of thing only lasts about 24 hours, really, pip pip.” Alvin, who works at a type of stereo store went to explain what has sustained the unrest. “What really knackered our goats was the bloomin’ news that they had said tally-ho to a sequel to The Smurfs movie!”
Katherine Krumpetson also agreed. “What’s the bloody point, really? It’s just an indication that Hollywood isn’t even trying anymore and even me mum is just out of her knickers about this. And if them wankers who make the movies what give our Western World culture direction keep stuffing this poppycock down our gullets, then we need to rise up and give ’em what for!”
Experts have cited a growing discontentment in Great Britain over the choices made in Tinsel Town. A recent poll by Angus Beef Statistical Group showed that 87% of people who saw Transformers: Dark Side of the Moon in England thought it was either ‘shoddy’ or ‘absolute shite’. Of that group, however, 65% said they would still go see a fourth film in that franchise. When asked to comment on why, most respondents replied with something similar to “Well, it’s what we’re supposed to do, innit?”
Experts on the other side of the split television screen question the veracity of these claims. They point to the rising British filmmaking industry and say there are alternatives to American movies in the cinema. However, Timothy Farmsbottom of London, who was stopped for an interview late last night in the electronic goods section of a local store, explained, “Here’s the thing. Our guys only make movies about the royals, crime, or books nobody reads anymore. I mean, right, we have Guy Ritchie but ever since he was married to that crazy singer in the underwear, his movies went to piss. Rocknrolla gave us hope but then he made a movie about bloody Sherlock Holmes. Another old book! And played by a Yank, to boot! It’s bad enough people think we all went to Hogwarts. So, all we’ve got is Hollywood and we need to send a message. The first Smurfs movie was enough make me want to vomit blue and I could crap a better plot but that crime against humanity isn’t even out of the cinema and they’re making a sequel? They can get bent with a yardstick in their follywoggles!” (no translation available).
Farmsbottom was asked about the notion that there is a political or social impetus behind the unrest. “Bollocks! I mean, yeah, what happened to that bloke was a shame and there’s all kinds of shite going on in this country but we can’t do anything about that. We’ve been oppressed by government for over a thousand years on this island. Breaking windows isn’t going to change that. Maybe it worked for the Arabs but they’re trendy right now. And all this work I’m doing lifting these tellys and Blu-Rays is hard. I’m not wasting it on a pointless cause. I want to be part of real change.”
Some have questioned this information since The Smurfs was only released this week however, another ABSG poll also indicated that most of the youth had seen the film already on DVD or through torrents.
The office of British Prime Minister David Cameron issued this statement: “We will not stand for the actions of troublemakers, thugs, ne’er-do-wells, and scamps in our country. Those responsible will be found and brought to justice. We can still fit a lot of people in the Tower of London. you know? Furthermore, we know this is just hooliganism and not tied to any understandable need for social change.” In the press scrum afterward, Prime Minister Cameron added, “Plus, I didn’t think The Smurfs was all that bad. Azaria was great as Gargamel and that Neil Patrick fellow really made me laugh.”
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